Monday, August 1, 2011

The World's Worst First Date EVER

This date was shared by 8 women and a baby, but that's not what made it bad. In fact, I would say we were a highlight. THE highlight, if you don't count the apparently ecstasy-inducing dessert they were eating.

On Saturday night Tammy, our Utah guest-cousin Andrea and I met up with Debbie, Sarah, Claire, Kristy, Kimberly & Kyrie & Rachael for one of our cousins dinners. We enjoyed some tame versions of exotic foods together at a long (kind of conversation killing) table in a restaurant, before heading to a nearby dessert place. Sadly Kristy & Kimberly had to leave before dessert, but the remaining 8 of us pretty much snuggled together around 3 tables in the busy dessert place. It was one of those places with couches along one side of the tables, and chairs around the others.

Down one end of the table along the couch sat Andrea, then Tammy, Sarah, Rachael, then on chairs going around, Claire, me, Kyrie & Debbie next to Andrea.

We were all enjoying our time together beautifully, when we were joined by the two participants in said world's worst date EVER. I say 'joined', because the lady came and sat on the couch at the next-door table, and the man tossed her bag on the seat and explained that he'd much prefer to sit close to her - so Lady is pushed up suddenly against Andrea, as Man snuggles up next to her. Lady got progressively more snuggly with Andrea throughout the evening as Man got progressively weirder, and snuggly with Lady. Andrea and Debbie cover open mouths and turn the other way.

Sadly, I cannot do this date justice, because Claire and I were in what turned out to be the bad seats, exactly opposite the date, while Andrea & Debbie were pretty much on the date, and Tammy and Kyrie had a pretty good placement to catch half of it. Therefore Claire and I only knew at times the severity of the date's condition through the faces of Debbie and Andrea, which were not exactly poker faces. Also, Debbie's periodic text messages with Man quotes, which revealed to some extent, the content of the date conversation...

Man is very excited to be on the date with Lady - Man is staying with his mother temporarily - Man bought a very expensive bottle for Lady, wouldn't she like more? Man pushes lady incessantly to drink, lady does not - Man has drunk entire bottle of expensive wine except what was in Lady's glass - The dessert arrives. Man warns Lady that before they begin, she needs to prepare herself to 'experience ecstasy' (the 4 cousins closest to table turned away and shook violently with hands covering open mouths at this assurance) - Lady has been looking down at the table the entire date - Lady ends up pouring the wine from her glass into Man's glass, Man likes it so much - Man has realised he has been talking the whole time. Man launches into explanations of all the things he'd like to know about Lady without stopping - Lady has not said a word the entire night - Man intensely probes lady on every previous relationship she's ever had - Man says they should go out sometime, Lady says they are out, Man says another time, lady says nothing - Man would like to go out for more drinks, Lady needs to get home - Man gives Lady his number and asks her to text Man right away so he gets her number. This means Lady cannot give fake number.

We couldn't leave the restaurant until the date was over, as Debbie and Andrea were glued to their seats with their open-mouthed faces pointed in opposite directions. Oh and I didn't mention one of the slightly more hideous things he did, because I don't want to have to put ratings on my blog posts.

We tried to interpret Lady's silences: I'm going to kill Friend for setting me up with Man...I'm never even having dessert with an internet hookup again...In fact I don't think I'm ever going to date again...Would it be too obvious if I went and sat on the other side...I'm pretty sure the entire table next door are listening to every word Man says...I am so glad I have 8 women and a baby backing me up...Um, are they really taking pictures of the two girls sitting in front of us, or are they taking a photo of the worst date I've ever been on in my life...I wonder if they'd give me a copy so I could show my friends...I am not drinking a sip of anything alcoholic on this date, nice try, Man!...Go out again?! I don't know what to say!! Say nothing...Experience ecstasy?! I'm so weirded out right now...This is an incredibly bad date...I wonder if those are real diamonds in his earring...

Actually I'm pretty sure at least Man knew the photo was of them - he remarked to Lady when we were taking it "We're about to be uploaded onto Youtube!", and seemed pretty excited about it.

Tammy felt sorry for Man, because we were all shocked and horrified and admittedly amused by the date, because she thought Man was probably nice, and probably just finding it hard to date or something. Somebody needs to make a 'How to Lose a Girl in 10 Minutes' movie to help poor Man out, in that case, because we're pretty sure that's just what he did. When Tammy said she felt sorry for Man on the way home, Andrea emphatically disagreed, and said she couldn't remember even half of the awful, not okay things he said and did on the world's worst first date ever, but she was very concerned about how he kept pressing Lady to get drunk, and all the details he wanted of previous relationships. When Man went up to pay lady sat in obvious discomfort waiting (I wonder if he'd notice me sneaking out past him...), and Sarah called 'Do you wanna come with us?!' - but to Sarah's disappointment Lady didn't hear, or at least pretended not to.

And so now we are left wondering.

Did they know 8 women and a baby were on their date with them? Did they enjoy our company as much as we enjoyed theirs? Did they enjoy their cuddles with Andrea? Will there be a World's Worst SECOND Date ever?! If so, we didn't get their numbers :(

7 comments:

A Christy Production said...

One word.

Hilarious!!!

ClaireM said...

That really was an awkward moment, and notice that you didn't put on the part where she leaned forward and he leaned back for a look due to ratings....oh wait, I just mentioned it!!! I can't believe that we all sat around waiting for them to finish their date but I really felt for the girl and I really wonder if she did hear Sarah but felt a little awkward and what would we have done if she said yes she wanted to come home wiht us???? We need to make sure our next cousins dinner is as entertaining!

Beth and Robbie said...

Hahaha, that sounds pretty awesome. Funny for you guys but probably pretty traumatic for her :P lol. One day she'll look back and laugh I'm sure :)
Creepy man... Ew

Sandy M. said...

They could end up married. I'm just saying.. Maybe she was quiet because she is shy and was intimidated by how great she thought he was. Maybe she didn't drink much because she didn't want to do anything embarrassing. Maybe it was all very different from how it looked! Stranger things have happened...! :)
xo

Jessima said...

I miss one cousins dinner and you have a night to remember (for good or bad). Mmmm I wonder what the next cousins dinner will bring?????

Chelle said...

Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Debbie Williams said...

You have just made me laugh all over again!!!! It was a night to remember and not sure how we are going to top it for the next cousins dinner!!!!