Okay so we're pregnant!!!! :)
I haven't had anything to say on my blog for the last couple of months, because the most exciting thing in the world was happening and I was so scared something would go wrong I didn't want to say anything about the baby yet so I didn't say anything at all :) Now I will tell you all the things I wanted to tell you, but didn't yet...
1) Morning sickness is amazing, and it is not in your head! It is horrific! The constant nausea and having to eat all the time to calm your stomach but there's nothing in the world you can think of that you want to eat because you're so nauseous and you feel like setting the alarm for the middle of the night and eating to make sure you don't feel as sick in the morning, but don't bother because chances are you'll be woken up being sick anyway! And not wanting to make any plans to do anything, ever, in case you are suddenly dreadfully sick in the middle of it and need a quiet corner with a bucket - oh, and the bucket, which has resided permanently by my bed and in my hand/car/wherever I am since the end of April, is like my best friend. I feel totally insecure without it. It's wearing off a little now - I don't take the bucket everywhere, and I am going whole days at school without feeling it again until I'm at home :)
2) Cravings are also amazing and not in your head. Sooooooo not in your head! If you are around a pregnant woman, and she says 'Oh, I'm really craving _____', what she means to say is, 'If I don't get some _____ within the next 5 minutes, I will die, and I may take you down with me'. It feels like you'll just die if you don't get whatever it is you want and it's not fun like I always imagined, it's torture! And expensive!!! We used to have a budget that catered for all sorts of things, now we just try to save a tiny bit each week, because I am eating my way through all of our money! I always pictured lying on the couch saying to James "Dear, I'm craving chocolate - could you please bring home 7 blocks?", but it was more like "I need a chicken drumstick NOW, please! Quick! I know it doesn't sound realistic but I am going to die if I don't get to eat one and who cares if you're not wearing shoes and you're in the middle of your dinner and - (bursting into tears) - why aren't you in the c-a-a-a-r yet?!!!"
3) When people say you will feel emotional, they don't really explain it. I have never felt so out of control - it's not like you can just say 'suck it up!' to yourself very easily at all. James says "Hey sweetie did you have a good day?!" and it's like the end of the world has come and I can't stop sobbing, and when he tries to ask "What's wrong, why are you crying?!" as he does his best to comfort me which seems impossible, it just makes it worse, because I can't explain what's wrong or why I'm crying, and it seems awfully unjust of him to ask. One night James was out home teaching and I needed a ham and cheese toastie, so I went to the shops and got bread, ham and cheese, then I collapsed into tears in the car, because it felt like the task before me was absolutely 1000% insurmountable, and there was no possible way that I could make myself a toastie! I was around the corner from mum and dad's, so I went there, and when my poor 17-year-old little brother Ben answered the door, I collapsed in a sobbing heap, begging him with all my heart to make me a toastie. He was lovely - he made me a fantastic toastie, and he will make a great husband one day. It's hilarious now, but it's no joke at the time, I can't explain it!
If you can't tell - even though I'm describing these symptoms as terrible, I'm in heaven (okay a lot of the time it really does feel like hell, but at the moment I'm pretty good, so it feels like my life has never been better! ... I sound bipolar... I feel bipolar... ).
There are two amazingly especially wonderful things about being pregnant:
1) I'm going to be a mum!!!! James is looking forward to January (when our baby is due!!!!), but I am looking forward to February (when labour is behind me!!!) :) I can't believe it!!! I can't wait for every little bit of it, including being absolutely dead wasted from night feeds, and scrimping like crazy cause we have no income with James still studying, and wiping dirty nappies (I've avoided it my whole life)! I'm going to read to our children from birth - actually I might start now, and I keep listening to music that I think might make it happy, and I can't wait to homemake, and do all the ironing straight after it's dried instead of just before it's worn, and cook dinners and just everything. But there'll be a little baby there always! And I can't wait for it to wriggle and squirm then smile and roll and giggle and crawl and walk and jump and play and make funny faces and grow it's little personality!!! And then we'll have another baby and we'll all play together, and then another, etc. :)
2) I've discovered a whole other level of James. James has been like this amazing angel for the last 3 months. He was always wonderful, but I mean he's really been amazing!
- Every morning I wake up early and rack my brain for something I can eat. James rolls over as soon as he hears me stir and says 'what can I get you?', as if he can't wait for me to put him through early morning torture. Then he gets whatever I feel like I can eat for me in bed. Often this has meant he's had to go to our corner shop as soon as it opened at 6am, and picked up ingredients, or go to McDonalds to pick me up a bacon and egg mcmuffin (sooo gross, but soooo often craved against my will!). The sad thing is, he'll bring it to me, and just as often as not I take one bite and realise I can't eat it, and need something else. Some mornings I've had 3 or more breakfast plates with 1 bite out of each stacked up beside me and I've been beside myself trying to think of something I can stomach, while he patiently and gently offers suggestions and gets me anything else I think might work.
- Because I've felt so shaky, James has driven me to work every day and picked me up again for months, and even though this combines with the amount I'm eating in wasting our budget, and wasts about an hour of James' day, he hasn't said a word about it, except to offer and help and reassure and be otherwise wonderful.
- When I get home from school I'm always exhuasted, and James has taken care of dinner since the day I fell pregnant basically! I have had trouble seeing food before it was ready to eat, and he has just cooked and cooked and cooked. I had the bright idea to invite mum and dad over for dinner and I'd cook for them in the holidays (I figured if I had all day...), but he ended up happily taking over, and he always does. Today I got home and he was already halfway through the stir fry I had suggested, and he even made brownies for desert, and he seems sooo happy to be doing it, even though I know he doesn't like cooking one little bit.
- James has also packed all of my school lunches, including bunches of food (because I never know what I'll feel like come lunchtime :P) and tuckshop money just in case I don't want any of the food I have packed.
- Every time I'm being sick, James sits with me and rubs my back and helps me and quietly cleans up after me. He doesn't make me feel like I'm gross and horrible (which I promise you I am at those times!), he smiles at me and asks what he can get me and helps me back go bed or to do whatever I need to.
- James has done all of the cleaning in our house for 3 months. I'm not joking. Cooking, dishes, washing, vacuuming, you name it. I seem to spend everything I have making it through the day at school, and I fall apart when I get home and on weekends (I am getting a LOT better now :)), and he has been doing everything, so cheerfully and it seems gratefully!
- James is sooooo happy! When I'm lying in bed with horrible nausea for hours on end and I know he must be itching to go out and do something sporty or just something other than sit at home, he comes bouncing in and asks how I feel, and I say 'oh just nauseous', and he grins and says 'That makes me so happy! That means the baby's healthy! Is there anything I can get you or help you with to make you more comfortable?!' Then he'll sit with me and talk to me and reads to me. I would have thought James would get sick of me being sick and doing everything for me (I am!), but he seems to have neverending patience! Even sometimes when I know I'm being unreasonable and demanding, and I'm upset or worried for no reason and asking for things that are difficult but I'm finding it hard not to, I see him almost get a little tiny bit frustrated, but then he'll go out and come back a second later bouncy and happy and loving and I feel like he must be crazy for being so nice to me! He makes me smile and be excited all the time, no matter how I feel!! I love him so much!
I am sooo blessed to have such a wonderful husband, and he constantly amazes me. At this time when I am so much at my worst he just seems to be growing more wonderful before my eyes. He's gonna be a great dad!!! There are a million other things I want to say about him, but I do realise this is an epic entry and everyone but my mum has skipped it all :)
- I am due January 22 :) That means I will be very hot and bothered during the last few weeks of pregnancy lol
- We cannot WAIT to find out the sex of the baby so we can plan plan plan! :) Will let you know when I do!
- I am getting fat! :) So fat in fact, that the doctor thought I was 20 weeks pregnant and thought it must be twins because I'm only 14. I really got my hopes up, but it turns out I just 'carry big'. I am fairly sure it is just my fat, but the lovely doctor is telling me it's all baby - again, just 'carrying big' lol.
- When we went to go check for twins, we got to see the baby (just one!) and we think it may be a 'he' even though the ultrasound guy said not to take his word for it because it's too early to tell properly. He was moving and wriggling like crazy so it took ages to get the right pictures the ultrasound doctor needed. Go our active little baby! He looked so healthy and his heartbeat is strong!!! :) He has all of his fingers and toes and a spine and a heart with 4 compartments and everything! You should have seen James when we were looking at our little baby - he was so excited!!!
- I felt the baby kick about a week ago even though it's super early! I've been so paranoid hoping that everything is okay, and I prayed hard that I would feel the baby and I did, and then the next morning I could feel it again and I called James and he put his hand where I said and he felt it too, and I said "are you sure are you sure?!!!" because I was afraid I was making it up in my head, but he was 100%, and I've felt it a few times since, usually when I'm lying still trying to, but today heaps at random times!!
I have never been happier, and it feels like an upwards slope! :) Our families are so excited too! You should have heard the conversation I had with mum when I was telling her about yesterday's ultrasound and how the baby was moving and we think it might be a boy, etc., we were squealing and it was fun! I can't wait to go maternity clothes shopping (some more!) and baby clothes shopping together! And I can't wait to put together a nursery, etc! This is the funnest time ever!!! :) My dad has been making me the most amazing steaks in the world recently as I've been really craving red meat. I really wish I could share the taste with you so you know exactly how good they are. Even the fat is delicious! I keep thinking I hope they love our baby! I know our baby will love them, they are so wonderful!!!
We're gonna have a baaaaby!!! :) xoxxoxoxoxox