Saturday, July 10, 2010

The New Me

Since I've been a mum, in some ways I'm a completely different person.

In some ways I feel stronger. I've always been a total wuss. Pretty much anyone can attest to that, but if you want an extremely heartfelt testimony of it, just ask James, who is baffled by my constant nightmares and assurances that he needs to check the cupboards and the bathtub in the middle of the night in case anyone's in there. Since Maggie though, if I hear a sound in the night that completely freaks me out, there's no hesitation for me running to see if she's okay, not even sending James first, and I feel like if anything was going wrong I'd be the first to throw myself in front of her and do whatever it takes. I've had some seriously action movie dreams since her birth, and for the first time in my life they don't involve me hiding somewhere while James saves the day. I just feel like 'Don't you dare mess with my daughter'. SO NOT in my pre-Maggie nature!!!

I also care less what a lot of people think about whatever I'm doing with Maggie, because suddenly I seem to know what I'm doing - not with babies in general, just with Maggie. I even feel like I know what to do with her better a lot of the time even than my mother(!), which is a huge shock, cause she's always been super-mum. I still go to her for advice (a lot!), but I feel like 'I got this' a lot too. I didn't know much about babies before her, but it's amazing how you just know all of a sudden!!

It is a lot harder than I had anticipated, to give 'tough love'. Not that I want to be tough with Maggie (at all), but even letting her cry a little when she's going down, or not carrying her 100% of the time if she's just sooking. I do it - I let her cry a little here and there, and I'm okay with it, but sometimes it just breaks your heart! I've sat next to her bassinet in the middle of the night in tears while I let her cry it out - that gorgeous little carefully-designed-to-trigger-the-'RESCUE!'-reflex cry!! (On the upside, she's in her cot, sleeping through now again!)

I am a sooook!! I cry at the drop of a hat. I went to a wedding last weekend and cried in every speech! I see a woman close to giving birth and I cry! Someone says something nice to someone else and I cry! And of course anything parental. Parents send their kid off to college in some B-grade movie, pull out the tissues, please! It's bizzare! I am NOT up for anything actually sad for a while, I don't know what I'd do!! When we ('finally', James would say) moved Maggie into her own cot the other night, I sat on the couch and burst into tears, cause she was 'S-s-s-so-soooo far away!!!!'. Does this go away when I stop breastfeeding??

I love Maggie an insane amount!!! I am trying so hard not to be one of 'those mums', but the fact that I have to try, baffles me. When I was teaching, I looked at all the parents and knew I'd be one of the level headed responsible ones who let their children learn to deal with life, and who was okay to 'let go'. I think I'll still pull it off, but I may have to have James in the background, holding me back. Ah the thought of Maggie starting school, sob!

I'm also a lot fatter, but we're working on that - It's not as easy to zip the last 6 kilos off as I thought, but I'll do it, then get fat and pregnant again, as now is my life :) (happy tear!)



Kaili said...

Aww, Abby you are such a kind and sweet person and of course a great mum!

It's amazing how children allow us to forget ourselves, so that we would do anything for them. Outwardly it seems we do everything for them, yet they do much more for us!

Glad to read about our life and see you doing so well! And congratulations on your new couches, they are beautiful! Xx

J said...

Oh Abby I feel like I have so much to comment back to you on this one. I like this post because you reminded me of how it was with my first. I often say to 1st time Mum's enjoy it because it is beautiful and you just love them so much. With my first son I was never tired of him. People would often want to hold him to 'give me a break' I thought I don't want a break I am in love with this boy.

Lately the children have had so many accidents,stacks, fat lips bruises, operations, and falls down stairs, chokings. I constantly freak out when I see any one do anything remotely risky. You do want to protect your child from all the pains in the world. I dread my first witness of first stitches or broken limbs. Heaven forbid anything life threatening happens.

As for letting go, I am doing better simply from pure raggedness. I now need the help and welcome the break I used to refuse. LOL I do remember though feeling like I lost my baby when my second came and missed him like crazy. I'm glad my sons are great brothers otherwise I would feel guilty for making them grow up a little faster because a new brother keeps camong along. :) haha I thought I was done but I probably will go for 4.
I'm glad you have found confidence in your abilities with Maggie, she always seems content. Well don James too :)

Tammy Lorna said...

You're a totally awesome mum abby :) I think that all the time.

xo Tammy

PS. I'm still up for Friday night if you still are?!

Sandy M. said...

I agree with you completely Abby. I believe that God gives mothers a special gift to know how to care for their own children.