Sunday, September 20, 2015

Future Abby: read this when you are pregnant and morning sick...

Hi future self.  So I'm 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant :)

I am really, really sick.  And have been for about 6 weeks now.  The last 6 weeks have been horrifyingly bad for me - I don't know why they came as such a shock (this isn't exactly our first rodeo!!), but as much as I know it's going to be hard, you really and truly just forget every single time, and unless you're IN the moment, you can't quite imagine it.  It's like labour I'm sure, but that's a while off for now, so I don't need to worry about it yet!!  (As terrifying and horrific as labour is, the things I've learnt that stand out the most to me from the other 4 births are,

a) you usually live through it (I literally and quite seriously could barely believe I was still alive after Maggie's traumatic labour and delivery hahaha :)), and

Anyway, I'm at a point in this pregnancy where according to my pregnancies with the 4 children we already have, I should start getting better in a week, and be almost entirely well in 3 weeks.  But I'm having some trouble believing that.  Will I really and truly just wake up and be able to get out of bed like a normal person?!  Will I be able to stop eating constantly and not want to be sick every time I move an inch?!  Will I really be able to eat whatever I want?  Could I just eat a normal sized meal 3 times a day and nothing weird and awful and desperate 50 times inbetween each?  Could I do my washing without sucking the heck out of a Preggie Pop in desperation that I'll be well enough to get all the pieces on or off the line?!  Will I actually be well enough to fold the washing? Push the pram? Make dinner? Play with the children?  Will I not feel like a bacon & egg muffin & hashbrown meal is the only thing that can really save me each morning??!!!

In my head I think I will.  I mean one day, surely?  But I am having a really hard time believing it!!

I've basically been a useless sloth for a while now.  I've barely taken the girls to school - probably not more than 3 times in the last 6 weeks at least.  They have spent a LOT of time in before & after school care, taken early and picked up late by James, they have spent time before/after school in James' office, my Mum and Dad and brother Oli have done a bunch of school runs for me, and friends have taken them and brought them home (even taking them to the playground for a play a couple of times!).  I guess the whole 'school' thing has added a different dimension to this pregnancy - I usually just cancel everything during these first few months and stay home, but I think it might be illegal not to take your children to school?! ;)  I've barely cooked, or cleaned, or made food.  Mum has spent so much time coming over in the mornings and helping with the boys until their naps, at which point she's made lunches and popped them in the fridge for later, often made dinners, and I've you know, sat on the couch or in bed pathetically.  James has been working SO HARD at school and home this term (probably his busiest school term ever - terrible timing!!!), but has had a lot of late nights, and Mum's even come over sometimes at night to help with dinner when James was busy.  But when James has gotten home he's had to clean up everything, get school uniforms and lunches ready for the next day, catch up on washing, etc. etc.  Basically I've been a huge burden on my husband and children and parents and siblings.  Which is actually really hard to stomach for a long period of time.  The constant guilt and feeling of helplessness has really gotten to me!!!  (Though at the same time I'm HUGELY grateful!!!!!  They are amazing.  I am sooo blessed!!!!  But sorry guys!!! :S :S :S)

Anyway, (you'd think the complaining couldn't go on much longer but I've been playing Take 2 for years, and my complaining is on another plane ;) - so I'll cut myself off ;)), I've read back on some of my old blog posts, and was sort of comforted to see that I really was super sick at the start of each, and I really did get better by 14 weeks.  But were all of those really as desperately bad as this pregnancy?!! - Cause I don't remember anymore!!

SO I wanted to write this to reassure myself:  This pregnancy is the WORST EVER.  It is SOOOOO HARD!!!!  I can do NOTHING and feel COMPLETELY HELPLESS AND GUILTY.  I am 11 weeks along and definitely no improvement yet.

And now, I'll wait till 14 weeks and report back to future pregnant again me, on whether or not I really and truly improved.  That way maybe next pregnancy I'll be able to hold on to this, and let myself believe in a brighter future ;)

So good luck current me, and future pregnant morning sick me.  Fingers crossed my '14 weeks' magic moment keeps holding true!!!

And now I'm going to write a post about how excited I am to be pregnant.  Because I am :)

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